On Purity...

Hi, I need to preface the blog entry you're about to read. You need to know that I believe in being honest at all times, mostly because I'm a terrible liar. On top of that, I've had too many life experiences that have become lessons and for me it's a burden to carry those lessons around and not share them. My intent is to start a conversation, open eyes and hearts.

I'm about to bare my soul, so be kind.

I don't even know where to start, so I think the beginning seems fitting...

When I lost my virginity at 14 I knew I'd done something wrong. I was a "new" Christian at the time, had never had "the sex talk" and was in private school - lots of naivety. The next day I talked to God from my heart. I don't even remember what I said, but I knew my heart was very sorry. I was pretty much in a state of mourning. The first time sex was mentioned I was a freshman in high school dating my first real boyfriend. He gave me a beautifully folded note one afternoon with a condom in it - my mom found the condom and flipped out. Looking back I can understand why she freaked out, but we weren't having sex. So in my personal opinion she should've been a little easier on me - I'll talk to her about that later...

It wasn't until later in high school that I could really be labeled "sexually active" if you can even call it that. I probably had sex a handful of times; every time followed by extreme remorse. I knew I had let someone down, but who? Each time, I would tell my pastor or mentor and they'd pray with me, give me advice...rinse and repeat. Without fail, purity was mentioned each time.

"Amelia preserve your purity! Keep your purity! You have to protect your purity! Don't lose your purity!"

I was showered with verses like 1 Corinthians 10:13 and 1 Corinthians 6:18-20. The verses were always partnered with a knowing look - ya know, the one that says "I think it's obvious why I'm giving this to you...hooch". Perhaps I'm outting myself or being to critical of the people who were trying to help me out, but like I said I had sex a handful of times. I get it - sin is sin and sex once is still sex, but I still think a little explaination was in order. Seriously! What do you mean "no temptation has seized me?" I haven't been seized. I'm not captured. This isn't an uncontrollable need. I'm not tackling people in the halls here. More than anything it's a peer pressure/desire to please others thing - perhaps I was seized by that and not so much sexual immorality. I wasn't a nempho, just naive and insecure...like most teenagers.

Anyway...

By the time I graduated I was all "Oh...snap! Y'all!! I lost my purity! Where did it go?! Have you seen my purity? It was next to my keys on the kitchen island...with my wallet and cell phone"

Is that what was meant by "losing my purity"? Because looking back now, I was very confused.

So, imagine my frame of mind when I got to college. Yeah...not sure how much I need to explain. I think what was even more confusing/hurtful was how my Christian friends seemed to abandon me instead of confronting me, being honest with me, holding me accountable and explaining how my general impurity (not the sex thing) affected me AND the Kingdom.

So now I'm married and I'm wondering what's left of my "purity"? Because according to high school youth pastor it was gone the minute I lost my virginity.

Do you see how I'm confused?

Now take a moment and think of what non-Christians think when the Jonas Brothers say their purity rings mean they'll save themselves for marriage. Now, I'm no expert, but at this point I'm fairly certain that purity is not not doin the do. I want to say that it's got to be an attitude of the heart.

Frustrating. What is purity? When I hear the word, I only think of it in the context of sex

Thoughts?

Whoopsie...

So I was supposed to update my blog over Labor Day weekend, but obviously it didn't happen. I think it's because I spend so much time tweeting - which is just a platform to broadcast all your random thoughts to the world...and let's face it! I have a lot of them.

Thus my hiatus from le blog...

So what's new? Not too too much, I got a fancy gym membership. I've gone a few times and I'll be honest, I enjoy the workouts. I think more than that I enjoy the thought that I could be skinny. I even bought an iPod Shuffle - because I don't have enough "i-Stuff". It's green. I named him (yes, him) Little Bitty Guy. I can see it now...40lbs lighter. Lil Bitty Guy by my side. He'll be there with me through it all. My greatest supporter - perhaps we'll even make appearances on the red carpet

In other news, I went home sick today. Some time around 10am I started to feel like I was gonna spew. I tried to hold on, but by noon I had decided to go home at 3. By 12:01 I decided to go home immediately. I called Gerald and he was there by 1pm. We got home and he got me some Pepto and miraculously I was all better. I think I will take it to work with me tomorrow.

It's a good thing that it was just a stomach bug/weird thing because I now spend about 25% of my time wondering if I'm pregnant. How come no one told me that this would happen when I got married? Anyway, I named my ailment my "Flu Baby". I hope it's more flu than baby. Actually, I hope it's neither

I think I will get dressed for work tomorrow. You know, dressed!! As if I have a decent job and some sense.

I'm so lazy...

Dear Meagan

Meagan (and anyone else), I promise I will update my blog this weekend. Here is my agenda:

1. Brief Shopping Addiction
2. New Gym Membership
3. Anything Else You Suggest (b/c honestly I got nothin else)

Varatip

My best friend Varatip is having a baby. I found this out on 4/13. I found out today that she's having a boy. I can't wait to meet him.

I even cried a little at my desk. I love him so much already.

Letters to My Grandchildren

I've decided to start writing letters to my hypothetical grandchildren. With all the things that have happened in the past week, I just feel like there's way too much going on these days not to document it for hypothetical people. I can't wait to for them to get a glimpse of my life...I hope they don't think I'm a silly grandma.

But they probably will...

MADE!!

My sweet hubster bought me an iPhone today. And while I totally believe that he is wonderful and sweet this new little buddy has re-ignited my love for all things iPod-ish; particularly the music part...which is where it all began.

To prove that the flame had been rekindled I chose to listen to every song on the "Hairspray" soundtrack as loud as humanly possible. Not sure why he was shooting me such mean looks though - perhaps I was singing "Big, Blonde and Beautiful" too loud

I hope this doesn't mean he won't support me should I decide to persue a career on Broadway...at 26.

Whether he will or won't support me (I'm sure he will - but not in the obsessive, t-shirt with your face on it kind of way), I've decided to start taking lessons at the dance studio down the street from our apartment. Partly because I feel like it would be a great way to lose weight but mostly because I promised myself that I'd take ballroom dance lessons when I graduated college and I have yet to step on a dancefloor when the Ying Yang Twins or Britney Spears wasn't playing.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER AMELIA!!!

I'm excited :)

Hot Sunday

I've decided to lose 40 lbs...



I promise I will not wear a thong leotard...

Determined...

Nothing much has happened lately but I am determined to keep my blog interesting and updated!!!

For the Intellectuals...
I am currently reading "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel García Márquez. I am enjoying this book. And even though I'm only 50-something pages in I totally understand why people love this author. My only concern is the number of times I've laughed in during this so called "romance"; but considering the happenings so far, I'm fairly certain that this is the appropriate reaction at this point in the novel. And actually, looking back at my dating relationship with Gerald, our reactions to each other were pretty funny - still are actually.

For the Chefs...
I'm really getting into cooking these days. And I mean like fancy foods with garnishes and marinades. The kind that you want to take your time to chew b/c you don't want to miss a single flavor. I don't know what came over me during my engagement to Gerald, but suddenly I became obsessed with being a wife. I wanted to know everything about cooking, cleaning...really just taking care of a home in general. This is strange because I never really cared before. I guess it all hit me when I first registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I walked in the store, grabbed my scanner and went to work. Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that a kitchen was not a kitchen without a lemon zester...I never turned back...

Last week I made sauteed shrimp with tropical salsa. Gerald said it was restaurant worthy and I humbly agree...it was the bomb y'all. I'll add my recipe ASAP!

Other than that nothing out of the ordinary has happened in all these three weeks of marriage. One thing is for certain, Gerald and I are having a ton of fun. I've always been the kind of person who preferred to live alone because of my never-ending list of SSBs but it turns out that Gerald is really accepting of my quirks and kind of embraces them. I end up laughing at my self usually - he does such a good impression of me even though in his mind I sound like a horse...

These Days

Gerald and I are married. A picture is below to prove it...


I'm going to have to gush over every detail not because I think you are interested, but because I may forget.

Thursday
I join Gerald for lunch at his office where they have ordered BBQ. They present us with a very thoughtful card and Target gift card. Later, my best friend/bridesmaid Lindsey Ramey arrives in Austin, TX. She's hungry and has to pee - so I make her run errands with me until she near passes out from starvation and/or liver failure. We go to Kerby Lane to eat and have a splendid time. She is always good company. Kristen, my sister and maid of honor arrives that afternoon. She has a car full of goodies to be used over the weekend - most of which smell like Vodka and soy sauce thanks to my mom's state of the art packing technique.

Friday
Hair day. I have my brows and lip threaded. Hair removal is always painful no matter the technique. There's also an added layer of frustration because my birth control appears to make my hair grow faster than normal. So a hair that is trimmed on, say...Friday, is nearly regrown by the following Wednesday. Fun

Best friends/bridesmaids Kate and V show up in the afternoon. After dashing to the mall for some bachelorette party-appropriate threads, we head out to dinner...

SIDE BAR: one of my favorite things in life is getting ready with my best girlfriends. I swear my best friendships have been forged over curling irons, lip gloss and a pretty intense playlist

...after dinner the troupe heads back to my apartment for a lingerie shower!

SIDE BAR 2.0: I'm the kind of girl who feels awkward when opening gifts in front of people. I'm also the kind of girl who gets embarrassed when her underwear can be seen. Therefore opening gifts which turn out to be underwear options tend to evoke a certain nervous feeling.

After the gift exchange, a few of us girls stuck around to name the unmentionables when plans to go downtown were quelled

Saturday
Rehearsal. Rehearsal lunch. Shopping for shoes to wear on the big day :) oh...and more rain than I've ever seen.

Sunday
Wedding day! What a testament to God's power!! It was an amazing day indeed.

1. Weather reports said there would be rain all day - therefore having an outdoor wedding might be an issue. When I woke up I committed to the Lord that I wouldn't check the weather. After all there was nothing I could do about it and checking it would just make me worry. I committed the day to Him - Lord, YOU are in charge of the weather! YOU are in charge of this day! It is Yours and I commit it to You. I will not stand in your way.

It stopped raining at approximately 2:55pm - the wedding began at 3pm. And there was not another drop.

2. In route to the venue we discover that we can't get ready there so we haul it to the host hotel who ever so kindly offer a small conference room to do wedding prep (e.g. hair, make-up, etc.). For some reason, I didn't worry. We just got it done. I have no idea how I was able to stay calm. All I can say is it was peace that surpasses all understanding.

Every detail was taken care of, not a thing was missed. I'm so glad God came to my wedding.

Since We've Been Married...
We have shopped endlessly for a television - until then we will play Scrabble on the living room floor.
For the first week and a half of our marriage our apartment smelled like curry and cinnamon. We have no idea why.
Gerald has revealed to me that he likes The Rascal Flats - except he thinks the lead singer sounds like Kermit the Frog, which to me - of course - is hilarious.
Gerald is a wonderful husband. I honestly believe he is the perfect man for me. God created no one else for me and I'm so glad.

Wedding Update

We have 12 days...

I need a veil and shoes - also could use pots, pans, plates and some forks. Not sure how programs will be made, but I'm not worried. I'm sure the guests will figure out what happened when we kiss and walk off.

Millie Are You O-K?

I am officially moved back to Austin. As a matter of fact, I've been here for a week now, but I've been on my very own Tour de Friends. I'm sure that when my "new car smell" wears off I'll be able to sit in my apartment and blog about random happenings more often.

However, my most recent activity includes:

>Gerald and I spend most evenings together. I love him.
>I am surrounded by babies. There are babies at work and babies at home and babies in the store and babies at church. Babies are everywhere and 2 of them like me...sometimes. I am ok with this.
>I recently revealed to Gerald that I have a slight crush on Making the Band's Willie Taylor. See below:

He was a little surprised, but I reassured him that it doesn't matter because I would never date Willie. He's too tall. I also have a crush on Lebron James and Reggie Bush. He knows about these crushes.
>I'm actually 13 according to the bullet point above...sheesh
>I've had "Smooth Criminal" stuck in my head for 3 days - the Michael Jackson version not that trash by Alien Ant Farm. The song usually makes it's appearance mid-conversation or while walking through large parking lots. I usually suppress the urge to dance and kick my leg a la MJ, however, there have been rare instances in which I have failed to suppress this strong desire.
>Writing Thank Yous is EXHAUSTING...

More later...

G-T-FOOB

Tonight is my last night in NYC. It's a little bittersweet. I'm just beginning to understand the City, where to go, when to go and who to go with. If I had the opportunity I would stay a few more months - or a year...or 5. But only for selfish reasons. I completely know that I am doing exactly what God wants me to do in moving to Austin and marrying Gerald. But if He sends us back to NYC...or to Chicago, or Deluth I'm ok with it. Just send me where you want me. I have learned God the Father this year -how He can be very nearly silent and ever so present.

Also, I had a lobster bisque for the first time today. It was good. That's why I love NY - so many firsts. No matter my situation, I always felt it was ok to try something new because odds are, in some way, shape or form, everyone else was too.

Overall, I'm glad I lived here. I've learned so much about myself...I need community.

About God...He's bigger than I realize

About MTA...They can go to hell.




Yeah...I said it....



$5 if you can tell me what G-T-FOOB means ;)

BRAINSTORM!!!! AHHH!

My wedding is in 41 days and with all the planning left to do I can only focus on one thing - what to rename my blog. Thus ensues the brainstorm....please leave your suggestions. His name is Gerald Bowie, mine is Amelia Doty. We have no children or pets and are often caught on camera doing embarrassing things...


GO!

Nessie

I live on the Orange Line - the F train to be specific. Sometimes I call it the Funky Train. Sometimes I call it other things that aren't so nice...I have reason to do so.

It never, never, never, EVER runs regularly on the weekends and on weekdays I usually end up standing outside waiting for it while some seasonal extreme ruins my hair, makeup and/or shoes. Then, when I finally get on the train I'm reminded of how old it is. The seats are this really groovy yellow/orange color color that forces you to imagine what may or may not have been smeared on them since 1973. Once I sit down I'm reminded of the rules:

1. No smoking
2. No transmitting brainwaves to other passengers
3. No playing of the boombox

see for yourself...


Just when I was going to light up a cigarette and play my newest Run DMC tape...shucks!

But a few months ago I saw something really surprising on the F Line. The new R142 model train (I only know this because I Googled it). It looked like they were testing service because the train was entirely empty, but my heart still skipped a beat - the F line might actually be getting an upgrade??

Let me tell you what is so great about model R142. First of all, it has an automated PA system which announces the current and next stop in a very polite lady robot voice - kinda like Rosie from The Jetsons. The alternative, found on older models, is a disgruntled MTA worker who's been trapped underground for the past 6 hours and may or may not feel feel the need to tell you where you are, where you're going or if the station attendant has forced it to make express stops. Second, it's air conditioned always! Third, it's well lit, so you can actually see the book or news paper you or your neighbor is reading. Fourth, it's a smoother, quieter ride. You don't hear the breaks squeal or grind, you take corners without feeling like you're on a rickety, old, wooden roller coaster. Fifth, the model is featured on EVERY OTHER LINE EXCEPT FOR THE ORANGE LINE. One can't help but feel like they were handed the short end of the stick. Longstory short, riding the new model train makes getting from A to B less of an annoyance.

So when I saw it again last week on the Brooklyn-bound F line (as I was headed to Manhattan), full of laughing, smiling people, I rubbed my eyes and blinked. Could I really be seeing NY Subway system's very own version of the Loch Ness Monster? Was this Nessie??? It gave me a little hope, but I considered it a fluke. And even if it was running on the F line, there was probably only one train to be shared amongst the millions of riders and the odds of me being one of them was slim to none.

Then I had my second sighting! Of course it was heading in the opposite direction - but still! Proof of better commutes to come! Then a few days later, I saw it again. This time pulling away from the station just as I was walking up. Could my wildest dreams be coming true?

So tonight, while reading and sulking because I missed my stop to go to K-Mart (classy), I heard the familiar click-clacking of the train and was pleasantly surprised when I looked up the tunnel to see a red light beaming at me. It was Nessie!!! I stood on the platform in shock as she opened her doors, welcoming me in. I stepped in, found a seat and began reading, gazing up only momentarily to view the automated progress tracker - Ditmas Ave in 8 more stops! It was like floating on a cloud...to Brooklyn.

What a lovely Sunday surprise! And aside from the old creepy man staring at me, the ride was pure bliss.

There's Nothing Interesting to Say

There's not much going on these days except for wedding/life planning...I guess those a pretty big tasks. Here are some musings and ramblings...

>I wish it would get warm already. I'm ready to wear dresses and sandals

>Yesterday I got lost in the projects. It was scary

>Gerald and I just finished chatting on IM and I miss him already. I haven't talked to him in 3 days b/c he's been working :(

> I feel like I know these two women. I watch this clip at least once a week and find myself quoting it to friends (and strangers) at least once a day.


by the way, Fran is a man (Neil Patrick Harris) - which makes the whole thing even funnier. Oh, and don't miss the nails or the ridiculous southern accents.

>Tomorrow is my best friend Katie's birthday. I wish I was there with her to help her celebrate. I think my favorite gift to her (among others) would be a prolonged hug. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

***NERD ALERT***

>I would like to take either piano or violin lessons in the next year. When I'm listening to my iPod and listening to songs with musical breaks I feel closer to God. For example, I Need You by Alicia Keys after 4:07. I could listen to that part of the song every day. Seeing her play it live was also a huge thrill for me. Also, in Alison Krauss & Union Station's Forget About It after 1:51 on the live version...pure bliss. Actually that whole song is good. Alison Krauss is good.

>My master wedding spreadsheet should be sold. It's detailed and intricate. It's perfect. It's one of my favorite things right now and if I wasn't scared of breaking it, I'd sleep with my laptop every night just to be close to my beloved spreadsheet...nerdy. I know.

>Is it ok to quote a song for my wedding vows? The second verse of You're All I Need is basically what I want to say to him on our wedding day and every other day after that...it goes like this:

Like an eagle protects his nest

for you I'll do my best

Stand by you like a tree

And dare anybody to try to move me

Darling in you I've found

Strength where I was torn down

Don't know what's in store

But together we can open any door

What do you think?

>I wish I was a web developer/artist so I could get the blog page I really want! UGH!!

I should probably go to bed now or I'll be sorry in the morn!!!!





Cool it...

Little Updates

> My birthday was Sunday 3/1. For the past 5 years I've asked God for rain on Sunday for my birthday. This year it snowed. It was the first time I'd ever experienced snow on Sunday for my birthday, but precipitation is precipitation and I loved it just the same. I also invited some very sweet co-workers out to dinn dinn for my big day. A lot of people came and I was so blessed by their presence. I even got a cake!!



>Yesterday I found out that I have to go back to the drawing board with my bridesmaid dresses...boo. We'll figure something out I'm sure, but still...boo

> Gerald and I have 73 days until we get married.

> Tomorrow I'm going to buy a pair of shoes

> I'm very very very very very very very excited to move back to Austin

That's What She Said

In case you have never met my mom, here's a brief introduction.

an actual conversation b/w Amelia & her mother...

***Amelia's phone rings***
AMELIA: hello
DORIS: hello? who did i call?
AMELIA: mommy?
DORIS: who is this?
AMELIA: Amelia!
DORIS: oh...i didn't mean to call you. did you watch barack's speech?
AMELIA: yes. did you see nancy???
DORIS: girl yes! she popped up everytime he took a breath. she betta watch out. michelle's watchin her and michelle don't play
AMELIA: ***LOL'ing***
DORIS: i'm serious! michelle will kick her ass! and who was that indian man from louisiana? they shoulda neva let him speak. i bet he puts curry in his gumbo...
AMELIA: ***still LOL'ing***
DORIS: i'm serious. did i tell you about that man who cooked curry in the kitchen at work while i was pregnant with you? OH! i can't stand indian food. oh...now i remember who i was supposed to call. aunt June! she loves barack about as much as nancy...***singing***me & mrs. pelosi! we got a thiiiiiing goin on!!! love you girl!

For my Daughter/Future Daughter-in-Law

I hope I can tell this story to my daughter or future daughter-in-law one day...it goes a little something like this...

ME: Did I ever tell you about the day that I received my wedding gown?
HER: No

***sidebar*** of course she'll say "no" because I'll be waiting for the perfect opportunity to tell this story. I've committed to keeping it quiet for the next 20 years.

ME: Well, in the weeks leading up to my wedding, I'd been fighting a sense of insecurity. It's just that I've been to a lot of really fabulous weddings. Weddings with open bars, gourmet food, prestigious chapels, popular djs...everything. Because of this I had imagined that my wedding would follow suit - even though I'd made a habit of rolling my eyes nearly everytime I received a save the date or invitation. But when my turn finally came, finding a dress was a big deal. It is for everyone, really. But somehow this turned into a mini-Soap Opera. I ordered it from J. Crew on a Friday - it was delivered to my office the following Wednesday.

***shocked look from daughter***

Yeah...I guess they're just really effecient. Anyway, I had it shipped to my office so there wouldn't be any hiccups at my apartment. For some reason I didn't trust the mail system in my Brooklyn neighborhood and I just didn't want to risk it.
HER: You lived in New York?
ME: Yes, but that's another story. Ok, so...the package arrived and suddenly, but inevitably, a bundle of nerves gathered in my stomach. I grabbed a pair of scissors, marched into the kitchen and hurriedly opened the box (which, to the unknowing delivery man may have contained a cardigan or a pair of flats). As I looked into the faces of my co-workers, a tidal wave of emotion swept over me - they were unimpressed and under-whelmed. One commented "It's just so...plain..." another said "One thing's for sure - your boobs will look great!"
HER shocked: What?
ME: Yeah...not quite the reaction I was going for and certainly not the circumstance in which I was hoping to reveal my wedding dress. I guess in my mind I had imagined having it delivered to my apartment on a Saturday, calling my mom, sister and best girlfriends and demanding their presence - one would even bring champagne. I'd emerge from my room to an intimate audience and everyone would oohh and ahhhh. They would compliment the dress and my mother, with tears in her eyes, would say "That. Is. The. Perfect. Dress.". Maybe we'd go to dinner or lunch afterward - it would be a wonderful day. But instead I got blank stares and at the end of the day, when the office janitor came, he reached under my desk, shook the box and asked if it was trash.
HER grimacing: Ouch...
ME shrugging: I left the office, got on the train, got home, tried it on, hung it up and committed to losing a few more pounds.
HER sympathetically: Awwww...
ME: Yes...I say all this to say I pray that other weddings and wedding preparations have not tainted your image of what a wedding is supposed to be. Just honor the Lord in it all and everything will be lovely - besides that, no one is going to tell you that you look bad at your wedding. At least not to your face...

Me & My 8th Grade Self

Toward the end of elementary school I began developing crushes like most other girls. My first was harmless. His name was Courtney. He was very much like me - brown eyes, a little silly and a bit over-weight...

Just a bit...

After realizing that my grand gestures of love and devotion were not working (i.e. wearing my mom's foundation, wearing softee's shorts under my uniform skirt and mastering tae kwon do), I moved on...and up. Seeing as how I was a teenage, African-American female living in the suburbs circa 1996 the obvious choice for me was Tyson Beckford. He was tall, dark, handsome and therefore justifiable. And even though I had convinced myself that he and Tyra Banks were dating (they had to be. At the time there were an outrageous number of Planet Hollywood's opening worldwide - they were bound to run into each other), I still loved him and was willing to watch their alleged romance blossom from afar.

As the years rolled on and I went from nerdy RHS freshman to a Senior Stingerette, my love for Tyson waned and a full moon for N*SYNC and Abercrombie & Fitch rose.

But you never forget your first love...

And that is why when I went to my very first NYC Fashion Week show I nearly shat myself when Tyson STRUTTED HIS FINE SELF ONTO THE RUNWAY!! See video below:




The man is dang near 40 and doesn't look a day over 25. The entire crowd went wild when he came out for the first time, which leads me to believe I was not the only girl to have a crush on the man...shucks...

Either way the entire night was fun and we ended up partying at The Plaza Hotel with industry big-wigs. Even Solonge Knowles stopped by to drop a few tunes (to which I busted some of my signature dance moves).


Overall it was a great way to kick off Fashion Week!!

God Goes Digital

Did you know God's a blogger? Well, He is. And He will read your blog, too. Here's what happened...

After I finished my blogging on Saturday night I decided I'd file my taxes. Luckily I found my 2007 taxes while digging through a box of books, trinkets and old mail (how did I get that subscription of Shape, again??). After breezing through the H&R Block system, I came to the important part - the grand total! Looks like Uncle Sam was feeling generous, so I'll get a nice little refund!

On Monday (less than 48 hrs after my blog), my mother was offered a job. 15 miles from the house and with a group of people she really enjoys.

On Tuesday after community group (less than 72 hours after my blog), I found out one of the other group members lives a block away from my apartment.

The Man is quick and I am foolish for my disbelief. Thank you Jesus.