I'm on Crack

i think it's been about 12 weeks. 12 weeks since my last perm that is. now here i am - nearly 11 on a sunday night and i'm wondering if i should wash my hair...if you can even call it 'hair' at this point. i really need to do this though. it stinks, i'm sure it's breaking off, it looks dry and i'm pretty sure my friends and co-workers are ashamed of me but i'm completely intimidated by spending the next 2 hours combing and blow drying through my wet hair and then waking up a whole 45 minutes earlier to straighten it with a flat iron. ugh...

that said...my beautician needs to get come back from vacation STAT!

what's crack?

367 Days Later...

G: You are so nosey!
A: What!! I'm just reading your emails... ***kanye shrug***

Truth No. 2

This is in response to a blog I read earlier today...I have some thoughts on the subject of the single homegirl. You can read it here if you want some context.

You may think I'm a little biased given the fact I'm married and all, but I do have some qualifications to comment on the single girl's plight...

#1. I had been (until last summer) the single girl/bff for much longer than my junior high school ideal would've preferred

#2. I have seen every episode of SATC at least 5 times

#3. In college my friends and I started a club: "The Fans of the Little Black Dress". We set fire to our dreadful bridesmaid dresses, talked behind the backs of our newly (and nearly) wed pals, rolled our eyes at the ridiculous honeymoon pictures and laughed when they got pregnant "too soon" or couldn't get pregnant at all (I was pretty bitter by the time I reached making fun of pregnancies or lack there of...)

#4. I had a friend in college who was as close as a brother. We counseled each other, laughed, cried (I did most of the crying)...we were becoming adults and it was all together thrilling. Then he got a girlfriend and pulled the plug. I got the stank eye from her more than once and it hurt me deeply - as a matter of fact, it changed all of my relationships. I didn't understand why he wouldn't stick up for me - I had done nothing to her and if anything I was the one with the long standing relationship. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus...then I totally spoke Marsian!!!

See...I have some cred.

Having come out on the other side somewhat un-scathed...the truth in this, for me, is two-fold

#1. You (the bigger person) should respect the new relationship your friend has moved into. This may be a 6-month thing, or a 60 year thing, but if you expect to be around for either, you might need back off a little. Yes! It sucks. Yes! You were there first. But wouldn't you expect the same from your man? I would say it's a rare blessing when a man's best friend and his woman are buddy buddy but in my mind that's an oxymoron; only the love of his life should hold the title of "best friend". Let's be real…we all saw "My Best Friend's Wedding" and "Love and Basketball". You're either setting the stage for disaster or comedic genius!! Either way, someone gets their heart broken and it could be you.

Long story short you might say it's ok now, and on the first or second date when he answers her call but what about the third date? 6 month anniversary dinner? At your wedding? When you're making love? Giving birth? Not ok…she's setting boundaries and you need to respect them.

By in large, I agree that if you have confidence in your relationship, then cause for self doubt should be minimal. But I've discovered that doubt can be like a cancer. It roots itself in one area and then shows it's face elsewhere...no matter how much your friends and loved ones try to encourage you. Confidence is something I -- a happily married, well-employed, well-educated, passport-toting, roof over my head, food on my table, woman of faith -- struggle with daily.

#2. Your real enemy may be the "formula".

Here was mine: seriously dating at 20 (non-Lebron James look alikes need not apply), married to same fellow at 25, baby at 27. I don't think I'm alone in this. When I realized my relationship formula wouldn't work, I developed a career formula -- NYC after graduation, high powered exec by 30. It took moving to Austin, beginning to seriously date previously undesired non-Lebron James look alike boy at 24 and marrying same fellow at 26 to realize there is no formula. Let me say it again…THERE IS NO FORMULA. The formula was my curse; realizing that I was setting myself up for failure in my attempts to follow it exactly was my deliverance. I challenge you to examine yours. I have no doubt that I will set myself up like this again, and on that day, I beg you to remind me of this truth.

And believe me, if you have any level of perception or judgement then your friend's girl probably does too and more than likely sees you as a threat to her formula. Maybe something unsaid, a conversation that lasted too long…whatever. It's got her thinking that to him, you are more than a friend.

Don't misread my words, I'm not saying it's wrong to have dreams…as a matter of fact, I encourage you to dream on single homegirl. Never abandon the desires of your heart for any reason! But always remember, God has ordered your steps. This is part of His plan

P.S. Thank you Deidre for my second truth. It has spoken volumes to me since we first discussed the topic in your living room.

Rainman

I've been into planning meals recently. So when I go to the grocery store I make sure to #1. Ask Gerald what he wants to eat during the week #2. get enough for the both of us. I keep track mentally of the food items we have in our house

...half a loaf of bread
...parsley, oregano, cilantro and basil flakes...
...bay leaves but no basil leaves
...half a package of provolone, full package of swiss
...turkey, not ham
...4 tilapia filets, 3 boneless skinless chicken breasts

you get the picture...

gerald has been eating the popcorn that i had planned to take w/me to work this week for lunch -- you know...the 100 calorie packs that are just enough for a snack? gerald got shortbread 100 calorie packs. i thought it was clear whose snack was whose. wouldn't you?????

there are 5 popcorn bags to a box. i ate one on sunday night - leaving 4 for the week. i resolved to take an apple the 5th day instead.
gerald ate a pack that same night. now we have 3. i guess i'll have to take 2 apples this week -- good thing i bought 3!
gerald ate 2 other bags yesterday -- now we have 1!!!!!!
i took a bag of popcorn (and an apple) to work today -- now my meal planning is all off

i fussed at him for eating my snack.
he said i was selfish for counting how many bags of popcorn we had.
i explained to him that i was trying to plan our meals b/c it saves money and that if he wants certain things when we go to the grocery store then he needs to speak up!

oh!!! and another thing!!! the counting is involuntary.

I'm not selfish...i just count things!!

On Purity...

Hi, I need to preface the blog entry you're about to read. You need to know that I believe in being honest at all times, mostly because I'm a terrible liar. On top of that, I've had too many life experiences that have become lessons and for me it's a burden to carry those lessons around and not share them. My intent is to start a conversation, open eyes and hearts.

I'm about to bare my soul, so be kind.

I don't even know where to start, so I think the beginning seems fitting...

When I lost my virginity at 14 I knew I'd done something wrong. I was a "new" Christian at the time, had never had "the sex talk" and was in private school - lots of naivety. The next day I talked to God from my heart. I don't even remember what I said, but I knew my heart was very sorry. I was pretty much in a state of mourning. The first time sex was mentioned I was a freshman in high school dating my first real boyfriend. He gave me a beautifully folded note one afternoon with a condom in it - my mom found the condom and flipped out. Looking back I can understand why she freaked out, but we weren't having sex. So in my personal opinion she should've been a little easier on me - I'll talk to her about that later...

It wasn't until later in high school that I could really be labeled "sexually active" if you can even call it that. I probably had sex a handful of times; every time followed by extreme remorse. I knew I had let someone down, but who? Each time, I would tell my pastor or mentor and they'd pray with me, give me advice...rinse and repeat. Without fail, purity was mentioned each time.

"Amelia preserve your purity! Keep your purity! You have to protect your purity! Don't lose your purity!"

I was showered with verses like 1 Corinthians 10:13 and 1 Corinthians 6:18-20. The verses were always partnered with a knowing look - ya know, the one that says "I think it's obvious why I'm giving this to you...hooch". Perhaps I'm outting myself or being to critical of the people who were trying to help me out, but like I said I had sex a handful of times. I get it - sin is sin and sex once is still sex, but I still think a little explaination was in order. Seriously! What do you mean "no temptation has seized me?" I haven't been seized. I'm not captured. This isn't an uncontrollable need. I'm not tackling people in the halls here. More than anything it's a peer pressure/desire to please others thing - perhaps I was seized by that and not so much sexual immorality. I wasn't a nempho, just naive and insecure...like most teenagers.

Anyway...

By the time I graduated I was all "Oh...snap! Y'all!! I lost my purity! Where did it go?! Have you seen my purity? It was next to my keys on the kitchen island...with my wallet and cell phone"

Is that what was meant by "losing my purity"? Because looking back now, I was very confused.

So, imagine my frame of mind when I got to college. Yeah...not sure how much I need to explain. I think what was even more confusing/hurtful was how my Christian friends seemed to abandon me instead of confronting me, being honest with me, holding me accountable and explaining how my general impurity (not the sex thing) affected me AND the Kingdom.

So now I'm married and I'm wondering what's left of my "purity"? Because according to high school youth pastor it was gone the minute I lost my virginity.

Do you see how I'm confused?

Now take a moment and think of what non-Christians think when the Jonas Brothers say their purity rings mean they'll save themselves for marriage. Now, I'm no expert, but at this point I'm fairly certain that purity is not not doin the do. I want to say that it's got to be an attitude of the heart.

Frustrating. What is purity? When I hear the word, I only think of it in the context of sex

Thoughts?

Millie Are You O-K?

I am officially moved back to Austin. As a matter of fact, I've been here for a week now, but I've been on my very own Tour de Friends. I'm sure that when my "new car smell" wears off I'll be able to sit in my apartment and blog about random happenings more often.

However, my most recent activity includes:

>Gerald and I spend most evenings together. I love him.
>I am surrounded by babies. There are babies at work and babies at home and babies in the store and babies at church. Babies are everywhere and 2 of them like me...sometimes. I am ok with this.
>I recently revealed to Gerald that I have a slight crush on Making the Band's Willie Taylor. See below:

He was a little surprised, but I reassured him that it doesn't matter because I would never date Willie. He's too tall. I also have a crush on Lebron James and Reggie Bush. He knows about these crushes.
>I'm actually 13 according to the bullet point above...sheesh
>I've had "Smooth Criminal" stuck in my head for 3 days - the Michael Jackson version not that trash by Alien Ant Farm. The song usually makes it's appearance mid-conversation or while walking through large parking lots. I usually suppress the urge to dance and kick my leg a la MJ, however, there have been rare instances in which I have failed to suppress this strong desire.
>Writing Thank Yous is EXHAUSTING...

More later...

For my Daughter/Future Daughter-in-Law

I hope I can tell this story to my daughter or future daughter-in-law one day...it goes a little something like this...

ME: Did I ever tell you about the day that I received my wedding gown?
HER: No

***sidebar*** of course she'll say "no" because I'll be waiting for the perfect opportunity to tell this story. I've committed to keeping it quiet for the next 20 years.

ME: Well, in the weeks leading up to my wedding, I'd been fighting a sense of insecurity. It's just that I've been to a lot of really fabulous weddings. Weddings with open bars, gourmet food, prestigious chapels, popular djs...everything. Because of this I had imagined that my wedding would follow suit - even though I'd made a habit of rolling my eyes nearly everytime I received a save the date or invitation. But when my turn finally came, finding a dress was a big deal. It is for everyone, really. But somehow this turned into a mini-Soap Opera. I ordered it from J. Crew on a Friday - it was delivered to my office the following Wednesday.

***shocked look from daughter***

Yeah...I guess they're just really effecient. Anyway, I had it shipped to my office so there wouldn't be any hiccups at my apartment. For some reason I didn't trust the mail system in my Brooklyn neighborhood and I just didn't want to risk it.
HER: You lived in New York?
ME: Yes, but that's another story. Ok, so...the package arrived and suddenly, but inevitably, a bundle of nerves gathered in my stomach. I grabbed a pair of scissors, marched into the kitchen and hurriedly opened the box (which, to the unknowing delivery man may have contained a cardigan or a pair of flats). As I looked into the faces of my co-workers, a tidal wave of emotion swept over me - they were unimpressed and under-whelmed. One commented "It's just so...plain..." another said "One thing's for sure - your boobs will look great!"
HER shocked: What?
ME: Yeah...not quite the reaction I was going for and certainly not the circumstance in which I was hoping to reveal my wedding dress. I guess in my mind I had imagined having it delivered to my apartment on a Saturday, calling my mom, sister and best girlfriends and demanding their presence - one would even bring champagne. I'd emerge from my room to an intimate audience and everyone would oohh and ahhhh. They would compliment the dress and my mother, with tears in her eyes, would say "That. Is. The. Perfect. Dress.". Maybe we'd go to dinner or lunch afterward - it would be a wonderful day. But instead I got blank stares and at the end of the day, when the office janitor came, he reached under my desk, shook the box and asked if it was trash.
HER grimacing: Ouch...
ME shrugging: I left the office, got on the train, got home, tried it on, hung it up and committed to losing a few more pounds.
HER sympathetically: Awwww...
ME: Yes...I say all this to say I pray that other weddings and wedding preparations have not tainted your image of what a wedding is supposed to be. Just honor the Lord in it all and everything will be lovely - besides that, no one is going to tell you that you look bad at your wedding. At least not to your face...

What am I afraid of...?

I'll tell you exactly what I'm afraid of...Halloween!!!

For the longest time I just have not gotten into the "Halloween Spirit". I don't spend any time pulling together a costume and if I do it's about as thoughtful as putting on some yoga pants and carrying around my mat with the pretense that I am an instructor - clever, eh? I remember one year in elementary school I threw on my mom's robe, a facial mask and haphazardly placed some rollers in my hair and claiming to be a "housewife".

I'm still not sure how accurate that depiction was...

I don't know what it is about the holiday that makes me so unenthusiastic. I guess it's the fact that All Hallows Eve is supposed to be a scary day and people walk around saying "boo" and acting like they're dead, or used to be dead but now they're alive, or are about to be dead, or they hang out with dead people...whatever it is, it's way too much for me. I could have a perfectly sane and fun Halloween experience and then I'll see a one badly made-up zombie and be done - I'm far too sensitive in my spirit to take these kinds of things. I can't even watch The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (the Disney version) without wanting to hide in my room.

The funny thing is, outside of this one day when a select few turn their attention to scaring the daylights out of others, I have lived in a state of perpetual fear for the past 25 years and hadn't realized it. It was finally brought to my attention this past weekend at a women's retreat sponsored by my church - the theme was "Beauty for Ashes: Finding Our Identity in Christ". Our pastor's wife spoke very candidly about her fears - all legitimate - but drove home the fact that if we lived in fear we were NOT living in Christ.

But what am I afraid of? Ghosts and goblins? Well...yes, but not really...

• What if something happens to my house while I'm gone?
• What if something happens to me while I'm asleep?
• What if something happens to my family?
• What if I can't have children?
• What if I lose my job and am homeless?
  
• What if I'm on my way to work and my train crashes or there's an attack on the City and I'm trapped underground for hours and suffocate? (kinda weird, but if I had a dollar for the number of times I've thought through that scenario I'd have enough money to have a personal chauffeur)
• What if I do something wrong and Gerald leaves me?
• And the biggest one of them all...What if I'm excluded, forgotten or unwanted? This one fear has been a huge one for me while I've been in NYC. I would browse photos on Facebook and see so many pics of the good times my friends had without me and feel awful; like I was dead and forgotten.
  

I think if God and I were at dinner and I was just rambling off these questions, He'd sip his tea (in my mind He drinks tea - no sugar) and stare at me intently. Dissecting every one of my fears he'd come back at me with one very pointed question: "Don't you trust me at all?"

I'd sit back, silenced by the honesty and unable to drink the rest of my water (I don't have to make that up - I actually drink water).

Half of me identifies the fear and urges me to rest in the Lord of the universe - but I don't think I know how. The other half of me spits on my shoes and scolds me for being so arrogant as to think He needs help taking care of me - but I don't think I know how to stop.

So what now? Do we sit awkwardly at the table or do I say "Oh...yeah! I guess I do trust you fully and completely!" and move on to the next topic of conversation - I certainly can't have some of Column A while trying all of Column B. And let's face it, a 9ft man has never tried to kill me and I've never had to flee from the most powerful army in the known world. But He did show me mercy by saving my mother, and He's protected me while walking through the streets of Brooklyn at night, He's given me favor with my employer, He's blessed me by giving me a sister, He's restored my trust in men by giving me Gerald and I have never gone without food or shelter. And while my fears of death and abandonment may be legitimate one fact remains...He has stayed with me to this day and has yet to smite me.

I'll probably struggle with this for a while, but I'm going to go ahead and claim victory. When I said yes to Jesus I chose to live a life that honors him and by choosing to live in Christ I am choosing to live in freedom and NOT fear.

SSB

I'm going to tell you something and you may not like it, but my dear friend Katie taught me the value of honesty (with yourself and others) and because of our relationship I find it harder and harder to hide my thoughts and feelings simply because someone else may think they're weird when it's actually just me. So with that being said, I have to tell you that I have a new guilty pleasure...

I downloaded the newest Danity Kane album and I cannot stop listening to it!! There! I said it!

I guess it's my "secret single behavior" (or "SSB" - not that Gerald and I have broken up, but I am single in the sense that I am not married) and I'm sure my love for these girls (among other things) will drive my Gerald crazy when we are married. But to be totally transparent, I've loved these girls since 2005 and my love for DK has only grown stronger. I have both of their albums and I've watched every episode of Making the Band since before they were introduced.

Some of you might be saying "OMG...I thought I was the only one!" while others are saying "OMG...not you too!!" or "I ain't never heard of them hussies!!". Whatever your response, I'm absolutely sure that buying that album has been the best thing I've done all since coming back from Vegas (which was the best thing I'd done since coming back from Hawaii).

Something in the music makes me wanna dance. Makes me wanna swing my hair and pout my lips and rock to a beat only I can make sense of...know what I mean?

I imagine that my alter ego (I think her name is Evan) is the girl they talk about in the song "Bad Girl". Nothing makes me happier than walking down the streets of New York in my nearly-designer clothes listening to a song whose lyrics read "I'm so hot when I walk I leave smoke in my tracks...". I hear those words and trust them to be absolute truth. I just feel like I can conquer the world!!

Perhaps it's just because of my intense connection with music. I've often said that if I had to pick one thing to have for the rest of my life it'd be a radio...hands down. I believe that it's not always the beat or the artist that attracts me, but because I have emotions so deep that my own words cannot express them...so I'll listen to a song - over and over if I have to - to work out whatever it is that's weighing heavy on my heart. Good or bad. Maybe that's why I love musicals so much. Whatever they feel, they sing it right then and right there...