Truth No. 2

This is in response to a blog I read earlier today...I have some thoughts on the subject of the single homegirl. You can read it here if you want some context.

You may think I'm a little biased given the fact I'm married and all, but I do have some qualifications to comment on the single girl's plight...

#1. I had been (until last summer) the single girl/bff for much longer than my junior high school ideal would've preferred

#2. I have seen every episode of SATC at least 5 times

#3. In college my friends and I started a club: "The Fans of the Little Black Dress". We set fire to our dreadful bridesmaid dresses, talked behind the backs of our newly (and nearly) wed pals, rolled our eyes at the ridiculous honeymoon pictures and laughed when they got pregnant "too soon" or couldn't get pregnant at all (I was pretty bitter by the time I reached making fun of pregnancies or lack there of...)

#4. I had a friend in college who was as close as a brother. We counseled each other, laughed, cried (I did most of the crying)...we were becoming adults and it was all together thrilling. Then he got a girlfriend and pulled the plug. I got the stank eye from her more than once and it hurt me deeply - as a matter of fact, it changed all of my relationships. I didn't understand why he wouldn't stick up for me - I had done nothing to her and if anything I was the one with the long standing relationship. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus...then I totally spoke Marsian!!!

See...I have some cred.

Having come out on the other side somewhat un-scathed...the truth in this, for me, is two-fold

#1. You (the bigger person) should respect the new relationship your friend has moved into. This may be a 6-month thing, or a 60 year thing, but if you expect to be around for either, you might need back off a little. Yes! It sucks. Yes! You were there first. But wouldn't you expect the same from your man? I would say it's a rare blessing when a man's best friend and his woman are buddy buddy but in my mind that's an oxymoron; only the love of his life should hold the title of "best friend". Let's be real…we all saw "My Best Friend's Wedding" and "Love and Basketball". You're either setting the stage for disaster or comedic genius!! Either way, someone gets their heart broken and it could be you.

Long story short you might say it's ok now, and on the first or second date when he answers her call but what about the third date? 6 month anniversary dinner? At your wedding? When you're making love? Giving birth? Not ok…she's setting boundaries and you need to respect them.

By in large, I agree that if you have confidence in your relationship, then cause for self doubt should be minimal. But I've discovered that doubt can be like a cancer. It roots itself in one area and then shows it's face elsewhere...no matter how much your friends and loved ones try to encourage you. Confidence is something I -- a happily married, well-employed, well-educated, passport-toting, roof over my head, food on my table, woman of faith -- struggle with daily.

#2. Your real enemy may be the "formula".

Here was mine: seriously dating at 20 (non-Lebron James look alikes need not apply), married to same fellow at 25, baby at 27. I don't think I'm alone in this. When I realized my relationship formula wouldn't work, I developed a career formula -- NYC after graduation, high powered exec by 30. It took moving to Austin, beginning to seriously date previously undesired non-Lebron James look alike boy at 24 and marrying same fellow at 26 to realize there is no formula. Let me say it again…THERE IS NO FORMULA. The formula was my curse; realizing that I was setting myself up for failure in my attempts to follow it exactly was my deliverance. I challenge you to examine yours. I have no doubt that I will set myself up like this again, and on that day, I beg you to remind me of this truth.

And believe me, if you have any level of perception or judgement then your friend's girl probably does too and more than likely sees you as a threat to her formula. Maybe something unsaid, a conversation that lasted too long…whatever. It's got her thinking that to him, you are more than a friend.

Don't misread my words, I'm not saying it's wrong to have dreams…as a matter of fact, I encourage you to dream on single homegirl. Never abandon the desires of your heart for any reason! But always remember, God has ordered your steps. This is part of His plan

P.S. Thank you Deidre for my second truth. It has spoken volumes to me since we first discussed the topic in your living room.