God Goes Digital

Did you know God's a blogger? Well, He is. And He will read your blog, too. Here's what happened...

After I finished my blogging on Saturday night I decided I'd file my taxes. Luckily I found my 2007 taxes while digging through a box of books, trinkets and old mail (how did I get that subscription of Shape, again??). After breezing through the H&R Block system, I came to the important part - the grand total! Looks like Uncle Sam was feeling generous, so I'll get a nice little refund!

On Monday (less than 48 hrs after my blog), my mother was offered a job. 15 miles from the house and with a group of people she really enjoys.

On Tuesday after community group (less than 72 hours after my blog), I found out one of the other group members lives a block away from my apartment.

The Man is quick and I am foolish for my disbelief. Thank you Jesus.

Prayer Request

Please pray for me and my fiance Gerald as we plan our wedding. There are so many details that could cause a lot of stress in the next few weeks and months but we are believing that the Lord will work out every detail in His unique way. Please also pray that we don't allow ourselves to become overwhelmed by and victims of our expectations of what a wedding is - we just need to Lord to show up and be pleased by our union. Also (again...sorry), I know I'm having some clarity issues about life after "I do". There just is no clear answer, so we really need a word from God. If you can pray that it's on a billboard with blinking lights addressed to me, that would be helpful.

Thanks...

Love Potion No. 9

Welp...in case you haven't heard, I'm engaged. I am very excited :) There's a reason it's taken me nearly a week to write this blog post and it is this:

Every version of the story that I tried to write made our relationship and Gerald's proposal seem pretty lame. It was just too straightforward. I personally like some spice, an unexpected twist here and there, maybe some colorful characters or new vocabulary. But there was none! All I could write was "We were doing this...then this happened...then this happened...then that happened...blah blah blah". It just really didn't reflect our hearts, who we are or our relationship. So I'm going to try to explain this as "spicily" as possible, but please know, you really need to see us in action to understand our relationship more.

Let me give some background on me...if you knew me in college, and I mean really knew me, you knew that deep down I didn't love myself or trust men. I had been in relationships prior to Gerald and through them I began to believe that I was unlovely, damaged goods and not worth the effort of genuine love - thus I behaved as such. When I moved to Austin after graduation from Tech I didn't know what to expect.

When Gerald and I met at a church singles event in October 2006, I didn't expect to begin dating him.  We met as we were selecting songs for the karaoke contest - oddly enough I sang "Love Potion No. 9". At the end of the evening he and I swapped phone numbers and from there our friendship grew. Over the next few months we began to spend more and more time together until people started to suspect that there was something larger than friendship brewing. It was true; his funny, witty ways and passion for others had begun to capture my heart - he, of course, realized how funny and witty I was when we first met ;)

Soon enough, we started dating and over the past year and a half I have come to love this man whole heartedly and without condition. He proposed to me on Sunday evening November 23, 2008 at Town Lake; the park overlooks downtown Austin, which reflects in the lake running through the park. It's gorgeous and I will cherish the memory of that evening forever.

Every bit of the proposal was 100% Gerald. We arrived at Town Lake with wine, cheese and crackers in hand. We laughed and took pictures for a while and then Gerald suggested we read the Bible together - Proverbs 18. I read the entire chapter aloud and he looked me in my eyes expressed his heart as it related to verse 22 (He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD). He explained that he was the kind of man who always calculates risk - if he's going to find a new job he will research everything about the company. If he wants to buy a new cologne then he will research the contents, the maker and what others are saying. He always wants to make the best possible decision. He confessed that he had been approaching our relationship in the same manner; that for so long he had been asking God the who, what, when, where and whys of our relationship. He wanted to know all the answers before he popped the question, but because Proverbs 18:22 had been on his heart for the past couple of days he'd begun to realize that he wouldn't always have an answer and that because the Lord had revealed who was to be his wife, he would have to lean on His promise of favor instead of his own abilities and every certainty that had been thrown his way. As he expressed his deep love for me and the excitement he felt when he thought of us being husband and wife, he asked me to be his wife. I said yes immediately, and he gave me a ring from his key chain. I laughed and hugged him - he's always so thoughtful and cute!! When he asked me if I would update my Facebook status I was much less obliging, so he offered to give me something that would fit better. After instructing me to close my eyes, Gerald reached in his bag told me to open my eyes. I was expecting a piece of jewelry with an emerald in it, somthing to signify a promise of proposal but instead there was a beautiful diamond ring - a REAL proposal!!!

I cried...OH LORD DID I CRY! Yes!! was my answer. And there's not much else after that except I am excited to be Mrs. Gerald Bowie :)

I will keep you posted with the wedding plans if we decide against eloping ;)

What am I afraid of...?

I'll tell you exactly what I'm afraid of...Halloween!!!

For the longest time I just have not gotten into the "Halloween Spirit". I don't spend any time pulling together a costume and if I do it's about as thoughtful as putting on some yoga pants and carrying around my mat with the pretense that I am an instructor - clever, eh? I remember one year in elementary school I threw on my mom's robe, a facial mask and haphazardly placed some rollers in my hair and claiming to be a "housewife".

I'm still not sure how accurate that depiction was...

I don't know what it is about the holiday that makes me so unenthusiastic. I guess it's the fact that All Hallows Eve is supposed to be a scary day and people walk around saying "boo" and acting like they're dead, or used to be dead but now they're alive, or are about to be dead, or they hang out with dead people...whatever it is, it's way too much for me. I could have a perfectly sane and fun Halloween experience and then I'll see a one badly made-up zombie and be done - I'm far too sensitive in my spirit to take these kinds of things. I can't even watch The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (the Disney version) without wanting to hide in my room.

The funny thing is, outside of this one day when a select few turn their attention to scaring the daylights out of others, I have lived in a state of perpetual fear for the past 25 years and hadn't realized it. It was finally brought to my attention this past weekend at a women's retreat sponsored by my church - the theme was "Beauty for Ashes: Finding Our Identity in Christ". Our pastor's wife spoke very candidly about her fears - all legitimate - but drove home the fact that if we lived in fear we were NOT living in Christ.

But what am I afraid of? Ghosts and goblins? Well...yes, but not really...

• What if something happens to my house while I'm gone?
• What if something happens to me while I'm asleep?
• What if something happens to my family?
• What if I can't have children?
• What if I lose my job and am homeless?
  
• What if I'm on my way to work and my train crashes or there's an attack on the City and I'm trapped underground for hours and suffocate? (kinda weird, but if I had a dollar for the number of times I've thought through that scenario I'd have enough money to have a personal chauffeur)
• What if I do something wrong and Gerald leaves me?
• And the biggest one of them all...What if I'm excluded, forgotten or unwanted? This one fear has been a huge one for me while I've been in NYC. I would browse photos on Facebook and see so many pics of the good times my friends had without me and feel awful; like I was dead and forgotten.
  

I think if God and I were at dinner and I was just rambling off these questions, He'd sip his tea (in my mind He drinks tea - no sugar) and stare at me intently. Dissecting every one of my fears he'd come back at me with one very pointed question: "Don't you trust me at all?"

I'd sit back, silenced by the honesty and unable to drink the rest of my water (I don't have to make that up - I actually drink water).

Half of me identifies the fear and urges me to rest in the Lord of the universe - but I don't think I know how. The other half of me spits on my shoes and scolds me for being so arrogant as to think He needs help taking care of me - but I don't think I know how to stop.

So what now? Do we sit awkwardly at the table or do I say "Oh...yeah! I guess I do trust you fully and completely!" and move on to the next topic of conversation - I certainly can't have some of Column A while trying all of Column B. And let's face it, a 9ft man has never tried to kill me and I've never had to flee from the most powerful army in the known world. But He did show me mercy by saving my mother, and He's protected me while walking through the streets of Brooklyn at night, He's given me favor with my employer, He's blessed me by giving me a sister, He's restored my trust in men by giving me Gerald and I have never gone without food or shelter. And while my fears of death and abandonment may be legitimate one fact remains...He has stayed with me to this day and has yet to smite me.

I'll probably struggle with this for a while, but I'm going to go ahead and claim victory. When I said yes to Jesus I chose to live a life that honors him and by choosing to live in Christ I am choosing to live in freedom and NOT fear.

...And do you know what He did???

This weekend I had a slight emergency. You see, when I moved to NY I was sure that any store would carry my favorite shampoo and conditioner. Unfortunately I was wrong. So I called my mom in a state of absolute distress because the product that I bought was making me look like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz (except I had no nifty hat to cover it up - stupid Infusium 23). I told my mom to go to the store immediately and send me the largest bottles of Silk Elements she could find. As we continued to chat she revealed to me that she was completely done with ALL of her chemo/radiation and that her doctors didn't need to see her again until December for her regular mammogram.

My mom is cancer free...(did I ever mention that my mom has breast & kidney cancer? Well, I guess it would be past tense now - so HAD...she HAD breast and kidney cancer). HALLELUJAH!!!! GOD IS SO GOOD!!!

She was only diagnosed in December 2007 and here we are, less than a year later and she's done. Of course she'll have to have check ups for the rest of her life, but the hard part is officially over :) THANK YOU GOD FOR SAVING MY MOMMY!!! You have always protected our little family with so much love and mercy. I cannot say thank you enough!!

Great Expectations

For the past few weeks life has pretty much sucked. Most days were frustrating at best. Stuff at work has just been really crazy and then to come home and return in fewer than 12 hours is really draining. I found myself daydreaming about other careers…most of them involved giving tours in tropical places or selling pastries. This past Sunday I prayed and asked God to redeem the week that was to come (8/18). My team had a big client presentation on Tuesday, so I also asked for favor and open minds. That evening when I went to church the Lord really spoke to me about being the woman he called me to be (Col 2:20 – 3:10). I went home and immediately emailed the pastor and thanked him the message and let him know that it really encouraged me for the week to come. I even emailed some of my co-workers (fellow Christians) and let them know my prayer for the week. That night I went to sleep with great expectations.

On Monday morning I walked in knowing it was going to be a very late night, but I never predicted that I’d be walking down 5^th Avenue with my boss at 12:45am hailing a cab back to Brooklyn. But the preparations for Tuesday’s presentation were quite extensive and my work mantra is “Team work makes the dream work”, so the late night was inevitable.

And guess what! Tuesday’s presentation went splendidly. The Lord really came through and there was a lot of favor thrown our way. Several of the people in the room even called my boss personally to tell her how much they appreciated the work and were excited to see what came out next. I’m not gonna lie, it’s a good feeling when you know the people on your team want to work as hard as you do – it will usually produce great results.

Another great thing happened on Tuesday! Some of my friends from Austin were in NY for a few days and invited me to dinner. I agreed and met up with the guys and headed over to Little Italy for some grub. I really love that area because it’s just bursting with live and action. There are lights, restaurants, shopping and even though I like to stay away from tourist traps it’s great to get out once in a while and enjoy those things that make other people think NY is such a cool place. One thing that struck me as extremely bizarre was that all the hostesses at the Italian restaurants were Russian! Isn’t that weird?? When we asked why they were in NY and how they wound up working in Little Italy they replied “Because I enjoy working here”

***insert skeptical look***

We figured it’d be best to leave it alone and just make up our own stories about the girls. The best one we came up with was that the Russian and Italian mafias had a plan to blow up the embassy (which embassy they were going to blow up was never clarified, but in all those spy movies there’s always an embassy, a diplomat or relative of a diplomat that is in danger, so we figured the story fit – I actually make up stories about people a lot. If I’m on the subway and I see someone that is of particular interest to me I’ll make up a little story about them or try to guess when they’ll get off the train. For instance, big sweaty bald guy, black duffle bag, gold wrist watch…oh! He’s a Pilates instructor, he’ll get off at 7th avenue stop in Brooklyn were he’ll meet his girlfriend for dinner in Park Slope. The bag is full of flyers for his next charitable event – save the North Atlantic Loggerhead Turtle. Even though I’m probably wrong most of the time, I like to play anyway, makes the ride more interesting).

Later walked around China Town and I even heard a woman yell “Fi’ dolla! Fi’ dolla! Sunglasses fi’ dolla!” it was awesome…really made the whole China Town experience compete. Got home late on Tuesday night too, but it was worth it.

Wednesday was really pretty uneventful except for the subway ride home. I was in a very crowded, but quiet car when at the second stop a homeless man stepped got on to make an announcement:

“Excuse me, excuse me! God bless you all. I’m homeless and hungry and if you can spare some food or some change I’d really appreciate it. God bless you. God bless you. It’ll really help, I’m so hungry. God bless you all”

A woman, conservatively dressed by any standards, reached in her purse and pulled out a few coins to give to the man. He thanked her emphatically and turned to walk to another part of the car, but overcome with her kindness he turned back to her, held up his fist and said “Awww…man! Put it right here!” The woman stared at his hand quizzically, shifted her focus to his dirty face and then back to his hand and gave the man dap with her diamond-clad fist! Immediately I tucked my chin into my chest to laugh. I don’t know if anyone else saw it, or if anyone else thought it was funny, but the two were such opposites and were able to connect on that level. It definitely gave her a little street cred in my eyes.

Thursday morning was eventful, but only for the few moments in my building’s elevator. You see, there is a family in my building with two elementary school age girls. I usually find myself meeting one of the girls in the elevator or playing with cousins outside (there are two middle-aged brothers in my building, both with school age children), but never together. The oldest (probably 6 years old), no matter the location, finds herself glancing in my direction, giggling and then hiding her eyes. Sometimes she’ll ask questions like “where do you live?” or “where are you going?” I always answer and she always grins and says “ooohhhhhh…”

One time I ran into her on the elevator and she assured her cousins, who were immediately silenced the minute I stepped on, that I didn’t bite. I was really glad that she cleared that up for us.

Anyway, this week I finally ran into both girls at once (accompanied by their father – the resemblance is uncanny). The eldest, true to form, looked, giggled and hid her eyes. The youngest (probably 4), however, was not as shy. Donned in her brother’s hand-me-down basketball shorts and a tee shirt, she openly quizzed her father about a burnt out light bulb on my floor.

“But why is it out?” she’d squeak, waving a water pistol – probably her brother’s too.
“Because that’s what light bulbs do” her father replied in a thick middle eastern accent.
“But why?” she said as she tilted her head, pistol still in hand
“Ummmm…” the girl raised her eyebrows in anticipation of her father’s response and scratched her head with the tip of the gun.

How do you explain why a light bulb goes out to a pre-schooler brandishing a weapon anyway?

It made me giggle. Saturday morning I saw them again, on the way to do my laundry, playing what appeared to be school with cousins The youngest girl (again in her brother’s clothes) was picking her nose furiously (FYI – this laundry mat thing is keeping me up at night. On the one hand it’s very convenient; you can wash all your clothes at once and it will probably only take about an hour out of your day vs. having your own washer and dryer and having to wash one load at a time and stagger loads because the dryer takes too long, etc. Back in Austin, it would usually take me hours if not days. But on the other hand, when I take my personal items – some of them with a certain scandalous air – to the laundry mat my neighbors are all privy to panties! It’s so embarrassing! The washer will buzz as if to say “Amelia! Your clothes are clean you dirty little girl! Such a you saucy little minx you are…rawr!!!” I’ll toss it all in the dryer only to blush as my underwear is strewn about for all of Brooklyn to see. Maybe no one cares, but I find that impossible to believe because I usually get astonished looks from the women).

The rest of Saturday was pretty uneventful; I watched “Elizabethtown” and gave myself a pedicure. More than anything the movie convinced me that I absolutely MUST take another road trip with Gerald. From time to time, my mind will sneak back to our trip to NY from Austin and it will bring this huge grin to my face. I think (this is just me…I haven’t actually run this by Gerald yet) that when I move back to Austin I’ll take a week or more off to move, ship my stuff to Austin, fly to Chicago, buy a car, drive to LA, vacation in California for a few days and then head back to Texas stopping at the Grand Canyon and various spots along the way...maybe I need a month. Give me junk food, a good play list and the open road and I’m golden…

So, long story short, the Lord redeemed this past week for the troubles in the weeks previous. Love that!

Whose Line is it Anyway?

I need to be completely honest. I've been struggling over the past few weeks and I'm not so sure how do define it. Is it racism? Is it hatred? Whatever I could name it, in the end it's sin and it needs no "definition". That would only lead me to try to categorize it as better than this action, or worse than that one - it's just sin. So here's the deal, I live in a neighborhood with a lot of Hasidic Jews and I find myself reacting whenever I see someone in the street. I'll roll my eyes or think some sassy little thought (i.e. "I wonder if those curls help him feel closer to God...", "I know he's hot in that suit!", "I understand that this is the Sabbath and all but it would be helpful if I could get some cheese after 5pm on Friday!!"). Soon afterward I'm convicted; but it's like it never stops! I wish I could pinpoint the moment when this all started so I could think about what environmental influences helped me come to the conclusion that I needed to think of myself as better than they, but I don't think I was alive yet.

I mean, what is my problem? Not that I'm above sinning, but wasn't I the one who begged God to move me from the Bible Belt to meet someone who didn't believe in Jesus!? And here I am in the midst of it all with the perfect opportunity to speak of my Savior and all I can do is complain. I guess I'd be happier if I ran into an indie rocker from Philly with a few tattoos and some emotional baggage...so cliché.

So what! if I live among God's chosen ones, they still deserve to know the fullness of His love and that redemption and communion doesn't come through possessions or traditions. It's all Jesus (or "Christ plus nothing" as my pastor in Austin used to say).

What's more is it's the same God! The God of Abraham, David, Jonah and Saul loves me too. I call on Jehova Jireh, Jehova Nissi, El Shaddai and El Olam all day long! So this attitude, this "My line is more direct" mentality is basically crap. It's elitist. It's mean. And more than anything, it's not what Jesus would do!! He would do quite the opposite.

That being said, this line to God doesn't belong to me or anyone else with a Bible. We're not in a tug-of-war, we're not even on opposing teams. We're family, sitting at the Lord's table, sharing stories with each other and laughing.

And for that reason I'm going to straighten up and smile a little at my neighbors in an effort to say, pass the milk and honey brother, our Daddy's got enough to go around!

See Me After Class...

You ever wonder what it would be like if God were your teacher? I know God is already a teacher in so many ways, but I mean a different kind. The paper-grading, eyeglass-wearing, quirky sense of humor-having kind of teacher.

You ever wonder what His lesson plan for you looks like? I do. And I wonder how many times He's had to go over those lessons with me and if I'm making any progress. For instance, today we went over one of His favorites and I wish I could say that it only took a few minutes for me to grasp the concept, but I'm sure we've been reviewing it for the past week. He's at the board teaching His heart out surrounded by a cloud of chalk dust and I'm sitting here putting on lip gloss and passing notes.

It all started last week. I was talking to Gerald one night and it all just hit me. I can't say exactly what "it" was, probably a combination of things. Work, distance, fear, frustration, friends, family, pressure, the list went on. I started to cry. He tried to help me through it, he was patient and said just the right things, but for some reason I couldn't be appeased. The next day I went to work feeling heavy - the sort of heaviness that you feel when your spirit is weighed down. This happened pretty much every day until today. If it wasn't one thing then it was another. Even getting to church on Sunday caused strife! Then Tuesday 5/26 came around. Work was normal - an influx of projects, all with tight deadlines; nothing I hadn't dealt with before. It wasn't until after work that the "real" problems began.

It was getting late and all I really wanted to was go home, but I knew if I took work home with me I wouldn't actually do it so I stayed around to finish up - either way, it's cool to stay until it's a little dark because I have the BEST view of the Empire State Building from my office. Definitely worth the extra hour to experience that. Doooown the elevator, into the GAP (5th Ave is going to be a problem for me) and to the subway. I had had trouble over the weekend with my MetroCard, so I figured I'd make the attendant work a little this evening to get it all fixed. Turns out there was nothing that could be done about the mishap and I couldn't get a refund. My throat tightened. I couldn't tell if I was fighting tears or the urge to yell. Quietly, I walked over to the card vending machine to purchase a new pass. But my card wasn't working. I tried the other machine and still nothing.

Is this machine taking credit cards?
Yes.
Ok, I'll try again.

I must've tried 20 more times. Still nothing. I stomped up the stairs to call and complain to Gerald about the whole thing and the absolute tragedy it was to have to go get cash from an ATM 2 whole blocks away (OH THE HORROR!!). Finally, I bought my new card and went to wait for the train. After a few minutes I felt the stinky, hot breeze on my face and knew I was just 30 minutes from home. The doors opened, exhausted I found a seat on the near empty car as the doors shut. Took a look around and started to go to my happy "I don't have to worry about traffic or diving" place; it was at that moment I realized that I was on the wrong train. It pulled away from the station as a defeated sigh escaped my lips.

I switched trains at the next stop and was finally home free. I called Gerald after I got off. It was at that moment that the Lord's lesson plan finally became clear...

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.
~Psalm 118:24

So fundamental...

It's so easy for me to get caught up in the moment and what's going wrong at that very moment and neglect the big picture. I have to force myself to remember that it's the same God and the same plan - good or bad. Always has been and always will be. And I am so thankful that He doesn't get frustrated and smite me, because I know He's shown me that lesson before. I'm even more grateful that He isn't a paper-grading, eyeglass wearing, quirky sense of humor-having teacher because I know my tests would come back with a huge F and a little note that says "I know you can do better than this. See me after class."