For the longest time I just have not gotten into the "Halloween Spirit". I don't spend any time pulling together a costume and if I do it's about as thoughtful as putting on some yoga pants and carrying around my mat with the pretense that I am an instructor - clever, eh? I remember one year in elementary school I threw on my mom's robe, a facial mask and haphazardly placed some rollers in my hair and claiming to be a "housewife".
I'm still not sure how accurate that depiction was...
I don't know what it is about the holiday that makes me so unenthusiastic. I guess it's the fact that All Hallows Eve is supposed to be a scary day and people walk around saying "boo" and acting like they're dead, or used to be dead but now they're alive, or are about to be dead, or they hang out with dead people...whatever it is, it's way too much for me. I could have a perfectly sane and fun Halloween experience and then I'll see a one badly made-up zombie and be done - I'm far too sensitive in my spirit to take these kinds of things. I can't even watch The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (the Disney version) without wanting to hide in my room.
The funny thing is, outside of this one day when a select few turn their attention to scaring the daylights out of others, I have lived in a state of perpetual fear for the past 25 years and hadn't realized it. It was finally brought to my attention this past weekend at a women's retreat sponsored by my church - the theme was "Beauty for Ashes: Finding Our Identity in Christ". Our pastor's wife spoke very candidly about her fears - all legitimate - but drove home the fact that if we lived in fear we were NOT living in Christ.
But what am I afraid of? Ghosts and goblins? Well...yes, but not really...
- What if something happens to my house while I'm gone?
- What if something happens to me while I'm asleep?
- What if something happens to my family?
- What if I can't have children?
- What if I lose my job and am homeless?
- What if I'm on my way to work and my train crashes or there's an attack on the City and I'm trapped underground for hours and suffocate? (kinda weird, but if I had a dollar for the number of times I've thought through that scenario I'd have enough money to have a personal chauffeur)
- What if I do something wrong and Gerald leaves me?
- And the biggest one of them all...What if I'm excluded, forgotten or unwanted? This one fear has been a huge one for me while I've been in NYC. I would browse photos on Facebook and see so many pics of the good times my friends had without me and feel awful; like I was dead and forgotten.
I think if God and I were at dinner and I was just rambling off these questions, He'd sip his tea (in my mind He drinks tea - no sugar) and stare at me intently. Dissecting every one of my fears he'd come back at me with one very pointed question: "Don't you trust me at all?"
I'd sit back, silenced by the honesty and unable to drink the rest of my water (I don't have to make that up - I actually drink water).
Half of me identifies the fear and urges me to rest in the Lord of the universe - but I don't think I know how. The other half of me spits on my shoes and scolds me for being so arrogant as to think He needs help taking care of me - but I don't think I know how to stop.
So what now? Do we sit awkwardly at the table or do I say "Oh...yeah! I guess I do trust you fully and completely!" and move on to the next topic of conversation - I certainly can't have some of Column A while trying all of Column B. And let's face it, a 9ft man has never tried to kill me and I've never had to flee from the most powerful army in the known world. But He did show me mercy by saving my mother, and He's protected me while walking through the streets of Brooklyn at night, He's given me favor with my employer, He's blessed me by giving me a sister, He's restored my trust in men by giving me Gerald and I have never gone without food or shelter. And while my fears of death and abandonment may be legitimate one fact remains...He has stayed with me to this day and has yet to smite me.
I'll probably struggle with this for a while, but I'm going to go ahead and claim victory. When I said yes to Jesus I chose to live a life that honors him and by choosing to live in Christ I am choosing to live in freedom and NOT fear.