Hi, I need to preface the blog entry you're about to read. You need to know that I believe in being honest at all times, mostly because I'm a terrible liar. On top of that, I've had too many life experiences that have become lessons and for me it's a burden to carry those lessons around and not share them. My intent is to start a conversation, open eyes and hearts.
I'm about to bare my soul, so be kind.
I don't even know where to start, so I think the beginning seems fitting...
When I lost my virginity at 14 I knew I'd done something wrong. I was a "new" Christian at the time, had never had "the sex talk" and was in private school - lots of naivety. The next day I talked to God from my heart. I don't even remember what I said, but I knew my heart was very sorry. I was pretty much in a state of mourning. The first time sex was mentioned I was a freshman in high school dating my first real boyfriend. He gave me a beautifully folded note one afternoon with a condom in it - my mom found the condom and flipped out. Looking back I can understand why she freaked out, but we weren't having sex. So in my personal opinion she should've been a little easier on me - I'll talk to her about that later...
It wasn't until later in high school that I could really be labeled "sexually active" if you can even call it that. I probably had sex a handful of times; every time followed by extreme remorse. I knew I had let someone down, but who? Each time, I would tell my pastor or mentor and they'd pray with me, give me advice...rinse and repeat. Without fail, purity was mentioned each time.
"Amelia preserve your purity! Keep your purity! You have to protect your purity! Don't lose your purity!"
I was showered with verses like 1 Corinthians 10:13 and 1 Corinthians 6:18-20. The verses were always partnered with a knowing look - ya know, the one that says "I think it's obvious why I'm giving this to you...hooch". Perhaps I'm outting myself or being to critical of the people who were trying to help me out, but like I said I had sex a handful of times. I get it - sin is sin and sex once is still sex, but I still think a little explaination was in order. Seriously! What do you mean "no temptation has seized me?" I haven't been seized. I'm not captured. This isn't an uncontrollable need. I'm not tackling people in the halls here. More than anything it's a peer pressure/desire to please others thing - perhaps I was seized by that and not so much sexual immorality. I wasn't a nempho, just naive and insecure...like most teenagers.
Anyway...
By the time I graduated I was all "Oh...snap! Y'all!! I lost my purity! Where did it go?! Have you seen my purity? It was next to my keys on the kitchen island...with my wallet and cell phone"
Is that what was meant by "losing my purity"? Because looking back now, I was very confused.
So, imagine my frame of mind when I got to college. Yeah...not sure how much I need to explain. I think what was even more confusing/hurtful was how my Christian friends seemed to abandon me instead of confronting me, being honest with me, holding me accountable and explaining how my general impurity (not the sex thing) affected me AND the Kingdom.
So now I'm married and I'm wondering what's left of my "purity"? Because according to high school youth pastor it was gone the minute I lost my virginity.
Do you see how I'm confused?
Now take a moment and think of what non-Christians think when the Jonas Brothers say their purity rings mean they'll save themselves for marriage. Now, I'm no expert, but at this point I'm fairly certain that purity is not not doin the do. I want to say that it's got to be an attitude of the heart.
Frustrating. What is purity? When I hear the word, I only think of it in the context of sex
Thoughts?
7 comments:
I am happy you are not ashamed of your past and are open and honest about it because it is part of you. I think that Purity especially when in the church is something that is often aimed at being the woman's responsibility or place abstain. I think that the church aims this message at males and females, but its seen as more important for the girls to follow. I even think it is true when its talked about in other places outside the church.
I don't think that its horrible to say that you should wait to be with someone who is special to you but I am not sure that I think it must be for your spouse. I don't think you or anyone else are any less special to your husband because you had sex before him. I "saved" myself for Tony but he had sex before me. I think purity is a mind set. I don't think that because someone has sex (really where does that start to count) means they are not pure. To be honest if you are to remain entirely "pure" (how I think that some churches teach it) you would have to avoid all physical contact and any conversations that would arouse anything. That is impossible, so even the purest person is not pure. I believe that purity is not taken away just by an act alone. It is more.
I think I was raised by my community to think of just sex too when talking about purity, but I believe its much much more. I also don't think that its positive to tell young girls all they are good for is saving their sexual purity for their future husband. There is more that young woman should be taught.
Not sure if I am way off topic or I went too far in saying things.. but Purity is a big crazy word. In some places a bride an be killed for not being a virgin at her wedding. How lucky are we.
I think it is very interesting that you blogged about this considering this was the very topic that was on my mind yesterday as my women's bible study talked about purity.
In the church, and specifically the youth group, we are bombarded with this idea that purity is something that you do or don't do. Most of the time they strip the word purity of all context in the Scriptures just to scare you into virginity. But don't get me wrong, I believe that the Scripture is most likely referring to that type of purity too. That whole two becoming one thing can have a significant impact on a person's view of self, sin, God, and relationships.
But what is the true meaning of the word purity as God intended? I'm sure it's definition is weightier and more "wholistic" than just sexual purity.
I got a little clarity yesterday as the reference passage for purity was 1 Peter 1:13-16. But as I read it I was like, "This is alot of ME and BEHAVIOR stuff...I don't really think I'm holy or pure because of behavior stuff (though actions can be important)." But then the study said to "carefully" read the prefacing passage (verses 1-12) and "note everything that God has already done for you that makes it possible for you to live a pure and holy life."
Verses 1-12 talked about how He chose me, sanctified me, made me born again, gave me an inheritance, protects me, SAVED MY SOUL...and made me pure and holy on His own, no asssistance needed.
And I believe that if I truly understood His GIFTS to me and how He MODELED that purity and holiness for me that I would understand what it means, and fall in love with it. And that my lifestyle would be a worshipful response to that.
Yeah, I can make my behaviors fit the youth group and church mold of "holiness" and "purity," but my heart may continue reject the purity and holiness that God has already given, and continues to give to me daily. I think we oftentimes miss the beauty of accepting a gift that we didn't earn and truly letting it impact our lives.
One last thing though. As much as I can say that "pure" actions (or most of the time just abstinence from "sinful" actions) is not an indication of heart status...alot of times our behaviors that stray from His plan are an indication of heart status. It's just sad that alot of Christians don't know how to address heart status without first trying to fix your behaviors or by making you feel guilty.
Because He is holy and pure, and He makes me holy and pure, I am holy and pure.
I love you Meal. Thanks for sharing your heart.
This is brills. You must must MUST read "The Purity Myth - how America's obsession with virginity is hurting young women" by Jessica Valenti. Completely brilliant. Did you know virginity doesn't even really exist? She talks about it in the book. There's no medical definition. And if you look up the definition in the dictionary, it's all about a "pure woman" and all that shit. No mention of men. Anywhere. Anyway, read it. Like go buy it right now. Why are you still sitting there?!?!? GO BUY IT!
I love you alot!
PS... you really don't need to worry, because you can now buy back your purity in the form of a BRAND NEW HYMEN for the low low price of 29.90!!!!
http://www.gigimo.com/main/product/Artificial,Virginity,Hymen,2299.php?prod=2299
Jessi that link seriously upset me.. blah. Seriously we are so lucky. *Its what I was thinking of when i wrote my post too. Since I happened to read it earlier. So sad those women have to do that.
Thank you for being so honest Amelia. I don't have an awesome definition for purity, but I think it is a heart thing as opposed to a virginity thing. When we are born again and have new purity. Sure we mess up along the way but through God's mercy we are forgiven and allowed to be pure again. When our hearts really change (and God does the real changing) then we have purity. I generally think it is keeping our body and mind and best for the Lord first and who He gives us second (our spouses). This is a great post. Thank you.
well...I didn't read through all of the comments here so I very well may reitterate some things already said, maybe not. Anyway.
For me, as I see it now, though I'm sure it may change or be added to as I go through life...I feel like purity was the innocence lost, having said that I do feel like it's been restored in me though no without some serious trudging through knee high shit (right,I said shit). There is absolutely a different level you jump to when you've had sex...it opens you up in a different way and if you don't know what's going on it can be negative. For me it was how can I please him, what risque thing can I do to keep him interested...it became desperate and so twisted and I lost myself before I'd ever had a chance to really know who I was...and it haunted me and robbed me of joy even after I stopped having sex, there are still remenants I have to rebuke. And though I'm sure I haven't got it all figured out what I cling to is God's power to heal and restore when we ask. So I ask...often :)
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