Have you ever dealt with enormous amounts of disbelief? I'm seriously having a "Are there you, God" moment/week/month/year. I want to hear from Him, but I swear I never hear anything. I ask for friends in New York and have yet to make a connection with someone who will actually call me on the weekend. I stay in my room all Saturday and Sunday emerging only for a glass of water. The most social interaction I have is looking at everyone else's Facebook updates...
Jenna is having dinner with friends.
Leslie is ready for a fun night with friends.
Janet enjoyed the day with her son.
Enisha is in Paris with her best friends
Well, Amelia wants to jump out of a plane...parachute-less. I do...
Why develop an "NYC Bucket List" when no one cares to see me check those things off? I'd almost rather drown in a bucket than walk the Brooklyn Bridge, dine in Chinatown, shop in SoHo or people watch in Central Park by myself. I ask for financial and emotional relief for my mother, yet she's still job-less after 8 months. I ask for guidance for my wedding, but now I may not even have centerpieces and best of all, I get to do my hair myself. All arbitrary stuff, but still important to some degree. I wanted the day to be special. I wanted it to stick out from the rest. I wanted to dance with my husband in a beautiful white dress but now I might as well call it all off and tell everyone to meet me at Luby's. At least they have centerpieces.
Do I build an altar in His name? Perhaps I'll draw some attention if the fire is big enough, He'll see me out of the corner of His eye and scribble on his palm "Talk to Amelia, 5pm". Here's to hoping He doesn't wash His hands.
Even if there was an altar, it'd probably be struck down because according to obscure book, verse 4:8-9, you should only build your altar with these materials, with this heart and at this time of day...ugh! I guess I missed small group the week we memorized that verse. Maybe I should stand at the top of The Empire State Building, start my fire and yell His name from there. I'd be arrested for sure but at least I'd have some social interaction.
I'm told to be faithful. I'm told that I get Christ.
What. Does. That. Mean.
I want to brag on YOU! I want a reason to say "LOOK! World! Look how great my God is!! Look at the amazing thing He did!!!!!" But I feel like I'm doing this whole life thing on my own anyway. Lord, please come rock my world (population 1) and let me know You hear me. Let me know You exist.
2 comments:
perhaps if we combine our shanty towns together we might start a following and have a population of 5 before years end...
not to make light of it, but I know that feeling...and I don't know if it's better or worse when you feel that feeling and there are people who love you close by or far away...either way I think it sucks.
i'll keep praying too because He said where two or more are gathered in my name...and though we're not physically right next to one another we can pray prayers next to one another and...anyway He said He'd show up, His rules not mine so He's gotta follow 'em
love you...
maybe God doesn't subscribe to your blog yet?
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