Tight Body.org - Part Deux!

Have you ever volunteered to have your ass kicked? Yes, I said "ass". Under normal circumstances I am not one to use profane language, however, I am a true believer in levels of beatings and the work out I did tonight can only be classified as an "ass kicking". You see, tonight was my very first visit to Equinox and I was not warned!! Let it be known from here on out, if you cannot tell if your fitness instructor is a man or a woman, you're about to get a serious beating. Let me see if I can describe the situation...

I arrived at Equinox at approximately 6:15pm. It was a full house!! It is Equinox's anniversary and they are throwing a huge membership drive disguised as a celebration. Every gym in the nation is stuffed with ripped out trainers and alcohol - thus enhancing the chance of memberships (the initiation fee alone is $525. $525!!!!!! FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE FRICKIN DOLLARS!!!!). But, as I mentioned in a previous blog I got a free 3 month membership; initiation fee waived - unless I want to sign up sometime between now and Thursday and my fee is actually only $17 (which ain't a big deal. Too bad monthly dues are still $139), so I figured what the hey! Everyone I talk to freaks out when I mention the place, might as well give it a look see. I meet the membership manager and she does her little song and dance and suggests that I take "Powerstrike" at 7 - you know, your typical kickboxing class. I take my stuff to the well stocked women's locker room (includes towels, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, more towels, razors, shaving cream, cotton balls, some more towels, body wash, showers, bathrooms, steam room, even more towels, q-tips, blow dryers, outlets, mirrors and did I mention towels??!!) and skipped up three flights of stairs to the classroom. I mixed myself in with the rest of the potential Powerstrikers and watched the big hand of the clock inch toward the 12, tugging the little hand atop the 7. We flooded the classroom - all 100 of us. Yes, one hundred people in one fitness class. The music began and we all mimicked her (?) steady march - you know, the one that makes you think "ok...I can do this". Then Jab! Jab! Punch! Not bad, I can do that again. Jab! Jab! Punch! Oh! I feel strong now! Jab! Jab! Punch! Wow...I'm gonna look great! Jab! Jab! Punch! OMG! I can't wait to see my delts! Jab! Jab! Punch! Kick! Wait...what???

It continued like this for an hour, combination after brutal combination. Jumping, turning, squatting, kicking, punching and yelling! Oh my lord the yelling! My guess is the only way the regulars get through is by counting down - and for a beginner (who thought the class was only 45 minutes) the frequent count downs helped me keep my sanity. By the time the class was done all of my make up had run off of my face - I think the grunting scared it away. Several people even wiped their sweat from the ground - there was so much that they felt it would prove disastrous if left to stand.

Somehow my legs carried me down the three flights of stairs and into the women's locker room where I proceeded to sit in the steam room for a good 15 minutes. All I can say is thank God I found my way to the subway without passing out, because if I hadn't I would've dropped right outside the doors of the gym only to have paying members step over me and chuckle "First time 'Striker, eh?!"

I hope I'm able to get out of bed in the morning.